i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
