Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
