Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
