Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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