im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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