A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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