"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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