Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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