Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
