the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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