His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
