I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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