Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
