Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
