Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
