guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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