I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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