I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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