remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
