6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
