I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
