dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
