If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
did i just pee glitter
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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