I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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