i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
