you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
