I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
