I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
