my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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