I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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