I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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