yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
