My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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