Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
