It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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