Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
