I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
