I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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