i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
