i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Sorry my hands just texted you
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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