I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
