saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
