i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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