mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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