Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
