I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
