Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
