I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
