I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
