she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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