glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
