The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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