if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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